The kind of Bike Porn where the actors are too dumb for you to enjoy it

I stumbled across this beauty, which seems to have been manufactured by the GMC company. Hey, I’m all for car companies investing in Bikes – it’s the smart thing to do. Unfortunately, it looks like GMC put as much thought into their “Denali” bike as they did into their cars.

If you’re wondering about the name, the Denali is a mountain in Alaska, which makes sense because this is a road bike. Oh, and Denali is also a line of cars from GMC. So why not compliment a 40k car with a $170 road bike? Yeah. Good marketing.

More visible weld porn

I didn’t lift it, but I’ll make a bet that this bike weighs a good 30 lbs. Just check out the thickness of the dropouts! I’m not sure if it is visible from this photo, but they are just so THICK. Like disgustingly thick.

I don’t know why they did this. Maybe General Motors just doesn’t know that a bike is supposed to be light. Maybe they just didn’t have the know-how or budget to manufacture some decent dropouts. Maybe they were  lazy?

But the raison-du-blogeuire is truly the owner’s choice of a lock. Please, children look away. Adult males: try and make sure the screen is outside of punching range. I think adult females can probably handle this, but I’m sure there is some precaution they should take.

First, let’s just take a moment to examine this giant turd in its entirety. Then, turn your attention to the tiny cables. That’s right: it’s locked with not one, but two easily clipped locks. The kind that are meant for helmets, or to lock small pieces of paper to one another. ZOOM:

I think the scissors on my keychain can cut through this

And there you have it. The type of bike porn where the actors are too dumb for you to enjoy it. This might be the most retarded bicycle ever created. I am, of course, included the Fixed Speed in this superlative. I wonder how long this bike will last, or if the owner uses it for anything besides putzing around town. Does he race triathlons on this? Is this one of those guys who pulls up infront of you at a light, only to bike at half your speed?

HOW DO YOU EXIST!?

7 Responses to “The kind of Bike Porn where the actors are too dumb for you to enjoy it”

  1. 100psi
    June 10th, 2010 | 10:20 am

    i need an eye disinfectant now. the only way they could make this road bike any uglier and less efficient would be to add a kickstand, flat pedals, a pie plate, reflectors, and a triple crank. oh, wait…

  2. cparx
    June 12th, 2010 | 6:20 pm

    i’ve seen one of these outside of eastern standard and guess what…

    it’s secured with a cable lock too.

  3. cyclostat
    June 12th, 2010 | 6:37 pm

    Same guy?

  4. 100psi
    June 15th, 2010 | 12:37 pm

    i spotted an asian kid on on of these bikes this morning salmoning down beacon street, in the left hand lane of a two lane street, which i suppose is better than in the bike lane that’s there.

    same person? could he be our white whale/salmon?

  5. gina
    July 9th, 2010 | 7:34 am

    hey, what if this is somebody who’s new and just trying to bicycle?? why be so negative??

  6. cyclostat
    July 9th, 2010 | 6:07 pm

    Oh Gina. Why can’t the world be good?
    \\
    I agree that making fun of new bikers is easy, but to be fair – I don’t think that there any many people who read my blog. Also, very few of my readers are new bikers. Plus of my jabs were at the bicycle itself. I don’t think I spent much time on the person riding the bike (except toward the end).
    \\
    The other side is that, when I was just starting out, snarky blog posts were how I discerned the value of bike-related objects. I still don’t care about Chris King headsets, and I still like a lot of the cheap, anodized fashion parts (they’re so kewl!), but I know about their respective values. Part of starting something new (like biking) means you are going to have to learn about what things suck. GMC bikes suck, and this guy should know that.
    \\
    Hopefully, somewhere out on the interwebs, some asshole will google ‘What the fuck is a GMC bike?” and 10 pages into his google search, he will find my post. He will know that they suck, and he will know not to buy one.
    \\
    Honestly, the fact that you are actively not-writing a blog post about this, must mean that you don’t care about the education of new bikers.
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    Why do you hate new bikers so much?

  7. November 2nd, 2013 | 6:40 am

    ラグビー ラルフ

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