Cyclist Alignment Chart

Like any good fan of dungeons and dragons, I view the world through alignment charts. I’ve given this some thought, and below you will find definitive cyclist alignment chart. I’m betting that one already exists, but this is going to be my version. Click for the full jpeg.

The Cyclist's Alignment Chart

Breakdown:

Lawful Good: we have a photo of a dorky commuter, upholding the law and wearing ridiculously bright clothing in the middle of the day. It is accompanied by a Shane quote. 🙂

Neutral Good: Perhaps indicative of the more casual rider, who wants to do good in the world, might run a red light or two, might bike on the sidewalk, but is generally helping the cyclist cause and the environment.

Chaotic Good: Critical Mass. Doing good by mucking shit up once a month.

Lawful Neutral: Ol’ timey cyclist, abiding by the law just because he doesn’t want to anger the drivers. This is probably my favorite photo.

True Neutral: Fixed gear cyclist, with no ideology just biking in the most advantageous way possible for himself.

Chaotic Neutral: AKA “The worse cyclist on the road”. Shirtless, and borderline retarded. The term cyclist doesn’t seem to apply here. This is a guy who found a shitty bike in a friend’s yard and said, “Whoa can I ride this home?”. Opportunist and ignorant of the road, I want to make these people illegal.

Lawful Evil: I think if you asked Lawful Evil drivers, they’d conflate the ideas of lawfulness with good. Driving a car is really just a gradient of evil. You’re economically supporting terrorists, polluting the environment, the make cities a more unpleasant place just so you can get somewhere without taking a fucking bus. Yes, there are considerate, lawful drivers in smaller cars. But let’s face it, you’re perpetuating the problem that you’re pretending to solve.

Neutral Evil: Same as the kind, lawful evil drivers, but they don’t fucking care. No effort, they’re just going someplace.

Chaotic Evil: This takes some effort. This would be like one Dr. Christopher Thomas Thompson (pictured), who stopped short because he didn’t like some cyclists riding two abreast. He literally assaulted someone with a deadly weapon and got only 5 years in prison. If I meet this person on the street, I plan on punching or poisoning him. This is really why your parents tell you to wear a helmet. Assholes who are trying to kill you.

And there you have it. It’s all settled, and we have a common lexicon for communicating the different types of people on the road.

You’re welcome.

-Cyclostat.

9 Responses to “Cyclist Alignment Chart”

  1. March 20th, 2010 | 2:12 pm

    oh my…this is amazing! I am going to point people here to see your lovely work.

  2. March 20th, 2010 | 2:15 pm

    […] Cyclostat has come up with possibly the greatest thing ever (if like me, you were a huge dork growing up) […]

  3. cyclostat
    March 21st, 2010 | 2:16 pm

    Hey Shane! Thanks so much for the publicity! I’m really glad you liked my alignment chart.

    Personally, I view myself as more of a chaotic good figure, but I pretend to be lawful good during periods of indignation.

  4. Aaron
    March 22nd, 2010 | 9:53 am

    This is terrific. I guess saying “observe that light!” probably puts me at the top left, even without the fluorescent vest.

  5. cyclostat
    March 22nd, 2010 | 10:13 am

    I think saying “observe the light” will put you in any of the Lawful categories. The question is, are you doing it a) for the good of cycling and the environment, b) for yourself and practicality, or c) so that you can drive a car in peace.

  6. March 22nd, 2010 | 11:06 am

    Totally stolen! AMAZING!

  7. cyclostat
    March 22nd, 2010 | 11:35 am

    Hey Grim!

    Wait, has anyone done a cyclist alignment chart before? I definitely stole the alignment chart idea, but I didn’t think anyone had done this with cycling.

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